I Was Soaring To Freedom

When my mediation approached, I could feel the freedom running through my veins and filling my soul.  After 23 years of abuse, I was finally going to be free.  I had fought long and hard to keep my family together despite the daily abuse I suffered emotionally and mentally.  I had long decided that my happiness was irrelevant and that the right thing to do was to keep my family together.

Yes, keeping your family together is important…but if you are abused to the point of not wanting to be a part of this world any longer…at on point are your attempts completely futile.  I reached my absolute breaking point when I found his car parked in a warehouse parking lot near her apartment when he was supposed to be elsewhere.  I decided that night in the rain, through many tears, that I deserved so much more in this world and in this life…and so did our kids.  

My kids and I have progressed leaps and bounds over the last 6-7 months since the mediation has been finalized, but we are far from free.  I had a horrible lawyer and he missed so many things in the terms of the mediation.  The ex has 2 years to pay off his Home Equity Line of Credit while I also have 2 years to refinance the house into my name or sell.  He has refused to allow me to refinance or sell the home until the 2 years is up…why? Control.  Because he remains in control this way.  He also decided to remove himself from our auto insurance policy, leaving me to pay for both children and myself and increased our monthly budget by $540.  Why? Because he can.  He chose not to support our 19 year old daughter who lives with me, because he “legally” didn't have to and agreed to support our son only until he turns 18.  

We learned recently from my new lawyer that my ex admitted to driving past our home after midnight on the weekends to see what cars are there and if my sons bedroom light stayed on “too late”.  So essentially, he admitted to stalking me and our children.  

Here's the thing though…I am STILL soaring to freedom.  Despite all of the petty little things he continues to do to try and stifle our happiness, WE are still soaring toward freedom.  We will never again have to suffer manipulation, gaslighting, emotional and mental abuse.  When I learned about narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, psychopathic tendencies, sociopathic behavior…when I learned about all of these things and realized that I wasn't crazy, but had been married to an abuser…I tried to get him to get help.  I tried to save our family.  Most people with these types of personality disorders will not seek help.  They will never admit anything is wrong with them.  And when he showed me again and again who he REALLY is, I decided to escape the cycle.  

If you know that you are in an abusive environment, know that there is a light at the end of that tunnel.  Know that it might take you a while to reach that light…but once you see that light, you'll never want to live in the dark again.  

Soar.  Soar to your own freedom.  Find the happiness we all deserve and find someone who treats you like the King or Queen you are.  It may take years to finally escape for me, but until then…I AM SOARING TO FREEDOM.