Breathing Underwater – How Not To Drown

(originally written February 8, 2022)

It occurred to me the other day that I’ve become pretty fond of some songs that have a similar theme.  Drowning.  “Breathing Underwater” by Metric and “How Not To Drown” by CHVRCHES + Robert Smith have become 2 of my most played songs recently.  The more I thought about it, I began to understand the pull to these two songs.

 

The past week, after finding out that Ethan had been trying to get Heather back the last two months, I began having mild panic attacks.  They aren’t horrible, but I can’t catch my breath or take a deep breath.  That in itself causes panic because I'm gasping for air that just won’t come.

 

I almost drown 3x when I was younger.  My best friend had a pool and I spent a lot of time there. The only problem was, I couldn’t swim, and their deep end was 12ft.  I was confined to the shallow end, which was great with me, until I became distracted (which was easy to do). 

 

It only takes a split second for your foot to slip on the downward slope that shoots you into the DEEP DEEP water.  That feeling, the feeling of your foot sliding over that cold floor and instantly going under…is terrifying.  You become submerged and immediately start to struggle and flail as panic sets in and the fear of drowning becomes very real as water fills your lungs while you attempt to scream for help…in vain.  

 

It took 3x of me almost drowning before I decided to ask my parents for swim lessons.  After the 3rd time, I knew if I didn’t do something, there may be a day when there was no one there to save me.

 

The reality is, I didn’t want the lessons to learn how to swim.  I knew most kids learned at a young age and I was already 12 and felt I’d missed that opportunity.  I wanted the lessons to learn how to stay alive in the water.  I wanted to learn…how not to drown.  

 

My stress levels have been at an all time high the last 10 months dealing with the constant trickle of lies, manipulation, guilting, blaming, and deception that have come with the implosion of my marriage. I have repeatedly gone through the stages of grief and they seem never-ending…as I cry each day, mourning the loss of my marriage and the hope and dreams of my family.

 

Anxiety and stress and depression can make you feel like you’re drowning.  Panic attacks can cause you to feel like you have slipped into the deep end and are flailing around desperately as you bob underwater..taking in huge gulps while hoping someone saves you.  

 

On my drive home from dropping my son off at school this morning it occurred to me that I have been drowning for quite some time now in this situation.  I keep trying to breathe underwater as I struggle and pull at anything I think might be able to save my marriage and my family. I’ve grabbed for every thing I could think of.  Counseling, books, podcasts, YouTube videos, prayer, studying the Bible, begging him to try…and nothing has saved me, my marriage or my family. 

 

I’ve allowed myself to stay underwater for so long…drowning and trying to breathe…that it has become my normal.   This constant fight to save a marriage that has already sunk to the bottom…I can’t lift it out on my own.  And if I continue to stay underwater, I WILL drown.  

 

It no longer makes sense to remain in a place where I can’t breathe and am gasping and grasping for someone else to save me.  Hoping someone will help me pull the marriage out of the deep end.  There is no one to save me except myself.  And I have to release the anchor that has been pulling me down and causing me to drown.

 

Pools are SO much fun!  But the bottom of a deep pool can be petrifying for someone who can’t swim.  Once you realize you’re in the deep, panic instantly sets in.  It seems like there is no way out of the water that has consumed you and taken you down.  

 

The reality of the situation is that sometimes you need to sink to the very bottom before you realize there IS a bottom.  And while the bottom seems like the most scary thing in the world when you’re drowning…if you remember that you are okay, that you’ve got this…when your foot touches the bottom of the very, very deep floor…you can push yourself back up to the surface where there is air.  If you remain calm and know that you will be okay…understand that panic only makes it worse…you’ll save yourself from drowning.

 

This whole situation has been pulling me deeper and deeper to the bottom.  It has made me feel like this is a hopeless end to everything I’ve known.  My marriage is there…sitting at the very bottom, completely submerged and no matter what I do…I can’t move it on my own.  It has become an anchor tied to my foot and holding me underwater.

 

I have decided to let it go.  I touched the bottom the other day when I found out he’s been trying to get back together with his affair partner and has been lying to me this entire time.  I felt the cold, dark surface when I touched the bottom again.  A place I’ve become way too familiar with the last year.  

 

The difference this time was that I decided not to stay there anymore.  I can no longer fight for the thing that is keeping me underwater.  I have to let it go.  I have to let it go and save myself.  So, I pushed off the bottom and I can finally see the light above the surface.  A light that was covered for so long by the person I thought would save me, our marriage, and our family…only to discover it was that very person who was holding me down and watching as I drowned.  He was too entangled in his affair to care that everything had sunk.

 

God has been guiding me out of the dark water and into a beautiful light.  I still have a ways to go before I can fully breathe again, before I reach the surface, but I’m going to emerge stronger than ever.  This second part of my life is going to be filled with so much love and purpose because I no longer need to look for someone to save me.  I just needed to remove myself from what had been holding be down.  I just needed to remember….how not to drown.