Discovering NPD and Realizing You Aren’t the Issue

(originally written on 9/17/2020)

Discovering NPD, Narcissism Personality Disorder, has been like having ice-cold water dumped over my head.  I feel that my life, since meeting my husband, has been an absolute lie.  For so many years I allowed him to blame me for everything and I believed that everything was my fault.  I allowed him to make me feel worthless, unworthy, forgetful, confused, anxious, depressed, crazy, fat, a leech, a mooch, a recluse, anti-social… and just so many other things that my brain still cannot entirely wrap around.  He told his affair partners that I had bi-polar disorder and my instability was the reason he was still married to me.  That one blew my mind.  I have no mental or personality disorders or anything other than depression and anxiety caused by the nightmare life he created.

I am not a victim.  Any time I’ve ever brought anything up to him, he has always said, “Oh, let’s play victim” or  “You have such a victim mentality” or “you poor martyr”, so I want to be very clear…I AM NOT A VICTIM. 

 

I allowed everything that happened to me, to happen.  Flags were popping up at every corner, blazing in my face…friends who knew my situation told me repeatedly to get out.  I stayed because I thought it was the right thing to do.   I stayed for my children.  I stayed because he said divorce was wrong.  I stayed because I had no idea that he was someone suffering from personality disorders, mental issues, and addictions.  I stayed because I knew nothing about gaslighting and the effects it can have on someone.  I stayed because he told me I was crazy.  I stayed because he made me believe no one else would love me.  I stayed because I felt worthless and inadequate.

 

I stayed,

and

it
a l m o s t 
destroyed
me.