Deer in Headlights
Unpacking 23 years of abuse is not an easy thing to do. You question, if I didn’t know I was being abused at the time, does it still classify as abuse? Kind of like, if a tree falls in an empty forest, does it make a sound type of thing. Being abused by a psychopathic narcissist will make you question EVERY SINGLE THING. The scariest part for me in all of this, has been the things that I subconcisouly buried in order to keep moving forward, in order to survive. Remembering things that he did to me has definitely been the hardest part of my healing process. Anyone would question why someone would stay in a marriage with all that was done to me over the years. Even from the very begining when we were dating, I can remember things he said and did that should have raised flags, should have made me run. I do know that anytime I questioned anything he said or did, he would deflect to something being wrong with me, he would blame-shift, gaslight, project…all the things that I knew nothing about as a naive 21 year old college student. He would remind me that he was a Christian, from a strong Christian family, and to suggest that he would do anything malicious was simply ridiculous. Afterall, he chose everyday to be with me and he didn’t have to make that choice. I was the lucky one.
I know that there were times througout the 23 years that I KNEW things were not right. But just when I’d start to try to figure things out, blame would be placed on me in some way making me question myself. Our first year of marriage found me locked inside our bathroom contemplating if I was strong enough to continue to endure this married life I had signed up for. This led to a high dosage of anti-depressants. A year later I began to display symptoms of anxiety. It was around this time that I realized something was wrong. He had said and done so many things to me that were not okay and I decided I needed to leave the marriage. This was extremely hard for me, but I knew that this person I was becoming, wasn’t who I was before marriage, and not who I wanted to be. I battled if it was the right decision, knowing I had made a vow for life and as a Christian, that wasn’t something you could just forfeit because things seemed difficult. It was during this time that I learned I was pregnant with our daughter. It had to be a sign. I needed to stay and make things work.
Throughout the pregnancy I was reminded of all the reasons I had known I should leave, but I strongly felt I was doing the right thing. It wasn’t until our daughter was a few months old that I revisisted the need to leave. He argued with me as I held our baby and in rage, he raised his hand to hit me. I backed away and locked myself in the bedroom. I called my parents to tell them what had happened and that I knew I had to get out. My parents came and my dad had several choice, very loud words with him outside. I spoke with his mom and explained that I was going to pursue divorce. She told me that she understood, but I needed to be aware that I would likely not get custody of our daughter. She informed me that because I had been on anti-depressants and my income (I was running my own business) was not stable, that he would most likely get custody. The courts will not give custody to a parent who looks unstable, she’d said. I was terrified at the thought that this man who’d raised his hand to hit me while holding our daughter would gain custody of her, and so… I stayed.
Over the years, my subconcious quietly packed things in order to simply survive. If anything was brought up or questioned, it would immediately be flipped that I was the one with issues. My mother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder several years into our marriage and this was something he would begin to use against me. Not only did he often question my sanity, but, he also insinuated to others that I could have bipolar disorder since it’s hereditary. He would imply that I was crazy if I questioned him and would say I was paranoid, insecure, delusional, crazy, among other things. He did it often enough that I got tested for my own peace of mind to ensure there wasn’t anything wrong with me. This didn’t stop him from telling others or from trying to convince me otherwise.
I want to help others who may be in similar situations realize what is happening to them. I want you to know that you aren’t crazy. If something in your body is telling you that things are off…something isn’t right…believe it. Trust it. RUN. Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction because it will only get worse.
If I could go back, I’d tell my 21 year old self that no guy(especially a guy claiming to be a Christian) who is interested in you, will get you drunk doing a shot challenge and force himself on you when you told him you didn’t want to have sex with him. A guy who cares about you would never do something like this. I would tell myself that YES, it was rape. It doesn’t matter that you couldn’t push him off of you, you said “no” and “stop” and that is all you needed to do. I’d remind myself of him telling me that his last girlfirend had told him he raped her (he claimed she was just mad she lost her virginity when they broke up) and I would tell myself that the two situations were not a coincidence, that this guy had issues. I would tell myself to understand that just because someone claims to be a Christian, does not mean that they are a saint. I would run instead of listening to him tell me that if we got married it woudn’t matter that we’d had sex that night. I wouldn’t listen to him tell me that I wouldn’t be adding to my “list” of one because he would be the last. I would tell myself to wake up and see that this guy is a narcissistic psychopath who is incapable of caring for anyone other than himself. I’d shake myself until I could see that I was being manipulated and controlled. I would tell myself that the version of myself that met this guy was already being devalued and degraded and that she would become hidden for the next 23 years.
The reality is, I can’t go back. I cannot undo anything that has been done to me. I endured years of abuse that I can never get back. I became a shell of a person for so long that it has been a struggle to reclaim myself. I’m sure anyone reading this will think…if you were raped, you woudn’t have stayed in a relationship, let alone married this guy. And THAT is exactly why this needs to be written. We think of rapists and psychopaths as deranged monsters or serial killers. We do not see them as Christian boyfriends ensuring their girlfriends that they care about them and would never do anything to harm them. We don’t see them as a guy convincing his girlfriend that she obviously wanted it and now that its done, regret has set in and its easier to pass blame. MANIPULATION is real and as a 21 year old girl I had no idea what was being done to me. So much so, that I married this guy and had 2 children and spent half of my life being abused and blaming myself for it.
Unpacking all the damage that has been done to me is hard. It is by far one of the most difficult things I’ve had to do. Abuse comes in many forms and I was never taught that. To me, abuse left bruises and phsyical wounds. I had no idea the damage that could be done to someone’s mental and emotional health. I had no clue that your very identity could be taken from you, leaving you hollow and empty. I definintely didn’t know that our subconcious will do whatever necessary to protect us, like packing away damage that has been done in order to be able to survive.
I have no idea if anyone will ever read anything that I post. I have no idea if anything I say will resognate with anyone in the world. What I do know, is that I WISH I had known then what I know now. I wish someone had said…HEY, this guy is a psychopathic narcissist and he is abusing you and you need to run. I wish someone had informed me that abuse doesn’t have to leave visible scars, that sometimes the emotional and mental abuse is so much worse. My hope is that this reaches someone who needs it. That in some way, this will help someone else know that YOU are not the issue. That those blazing red flags are indeed on FIRE and are signaling you to RUN. Don’t wait until the flags are buried so deep that they have to be unearthed during your healing process. Don’t wait until you are nothing more than a shell of who you once were before you realize the damage that is happening. Don’t be the deer in headlights frozen in place, afraid…JUST RUN.
