If Only I’d Known A Journal Could Hold So Much Power + Wisdom

Today I came across an old journal in a box of miscellaneous stuff that was dated 2001.  I had started a journal due to the fact that I was severely depressed one year into my marriage.  

One of my journal entries talked about how my husband had told me that he wasn’t sexually satisfied.  He said that being unsatisfied was a reason that men cheat on their wives.  During this same conversation he told me that I had gained weight and it was a huge concern because that was another reason men cheat.  To clarify, I was almost 5’6 and weighed 125 at the time of our marriage and in one year had gained 2 pounds. The next day he said that his statements were out of anger and frustration.  We both knew, that simply wasn’t true. He was very calm and calculated when he said what he did.

That conversation was one that stuck with me throughout our marriage because I knew there had to be some validity to that statement, it came from a place somewhere in his mind that if I gained weight or didn’t keep him satisfied, he was justified to cheat on me.  

I knew THEN that things were off.  I knew 1 year into my marriage that I was at rock bottom and was constantly being lied to, manipulated, controlled, and brainwashed.  I was mildly aware that things weren’t right.  That marriage shouldn’t be the way mine was.  He was never around and would disappear for hours at a time early on in our marriage with no explanation to his whereabouts.  

The unfortunate thing was, I only journaled sporatically.  If I had journaled consistently, even for a year…I would have been able to see that I wasn’t the issue.  I would’ve seen that he was the reason I was depressed.  I would have been able to decipher what was happening to me and not wasted so much of my life with someone who despised me.  I was his “family image” and nothing more.  I was the mother to the kids and we created an ideal family image for him to portray to everyone around him while he cheated on me and abused me mentally and emotionally.  

I had no idea at the time the power a journal could hold.  If only I’d known a journal could hold so much power + wisdom.  Keeping track of what is being done to you is key.  It is the window into narcissistic and psycopathic abuse that is otherwise fogged by their lies and brainwashing.  I can’t go back, but I can learn from my experiences, and share my knowledge with others.  

If you’re unsure what is happening to you in your relationship, marriage, I strongly urge you to keep some kind of journal for yourself.  Document the crazy.  Write the things that you are experiencing.  It may just open your eyes to something critical.  I wish these journals hadn’t been packed away where I couldn’t find them.  Even reading this six, seven years ago would have shown me what I needed confirmed.  

Journaling can be a powerful tool. Who knew?