I’d Rather Be Beaten

I’d rather be beaten. I know that must sound like the craziest statement ever, but hear me out.

 

When people hear the word abuse, they expect to see bruises, cuts, swollen places, broken bones, anything that is VISIBLE.  Abuse is not always VISIBLE.  Sometimes, abuse comes in the form of mental, emotional, and psychological abuse.  When this type of abuse occurs, it isn’t always obvious to others, or even the victim, what is happening. The destruction that occurs manifests in the form of sadness, depression, anxiety, craziness, lashing out, drastic mood swings, chronic fatigue, depleted immunity, weight gain or loss, isolation, memory loss, brain fog…the list goes on and on.

 

It took years for me to realize what was happening to me. And even when I realized this, I still tried to stay. You become so brainwashed that you think this is what you deserve. My ex told me repeatedly for the last six years of our marriage that I didn’t know how good I had it; at least he didn’t beat me. I suffered this type of abuse for over 22 years before I finally made it out.

 

When I signed the divorce papers, I thought I would be free from abuse. I thought I would be able to heal and move forward in my life. What I didn’t know was that because we have a child who isn’t yet 18, I would still have to suffer. My lawyer told me that I must read his emails/messages because I am obligated to respond if it pertains to our son. 

 

The emails and text messages are just as abusive as being around him. Having to read the lies and manipulation, the baiting, all of it is still abusive. And here is my issue: If I were being beaten…would I still have to be subjected to being beaten because one of our children isn’t 18? My guess is no. But because the abuse is emotional, mental, psychological…I still have to endure. I am not free from the abuse. I continue to suffer, and my health is plummeting as I watch, knowing there isn’t a thing I can do. 

 

I’d rather be beaten because at least people understand that type of abuse. I’d rather be beaten because those scars and wounds are visible and clear to everyone who the victim is and who the abuser is. The type of abuse I have suffered and continue to suffer destroys you from the inside out.  

I’d rather be beaten.